


Beautifully Broken (Alive In My Heart)

by hewantstomarryharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depressed Louis, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Harry is really sweet, Harry lives in Manhattan, Liam just wants everyone to be happy, Lots of music involved, Louis lives in Brooklyn, Love, M/M, Maybe they're both a little fucked up, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), New York City, Oblivious Niall, Obvio, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Zayn is the best / worst best friend ever, also Louis is dumb, and maybe that's okay, but it's one of my fics so what did you expect?, they're all American expect for Louis, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:03:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1894926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hewantstomarryharry/pseuds/hewantstomarryharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe they're both a little broken. Maybe they can help mend each other, but then again, maybe they can't. Maybe they have to learn to deal with being a little broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautifully Broken (Alive In My Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> So. I've been wanting to do a Depressed!Louis fic for a while, I don't know why, but. Here it is. This is maybe also an excuse to do my New York AU I've been wanting to do, so.
> 
> ** Trigger Warning: This IS a depressed fic. And there's death (two, mentioned), suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempts (two, one is mentioned). Take care of yourself, please!**
> 
> And really, this is complete shit. Not even what I first had in mind, but meh.
> 
> Also translated into Russian. Find that [here!](http://ficbook.net/readfic/2199874/6015739/)

**.01**  
 _ **At night he lies awake and he wonders, why can’t that be me? Cause in his life he is filled with all these good intentions. He’s left a lot of things, he’d rather not mention right now.** _

When Louis was younger, he wanted nothing more than to be an actor. He wanted nothing more than to leave his shitty town and find somewhere he could follow his dream, fall in love possibly and be _happy_.

He wasn't happy at home. Louis was never happy though, regardless of where he was. In fact, he was so unhappy that it had gotten to the point he stopped taking his meds to try to feel, but then all he felt was the depression and the anxiety knocking him straight on his arse after years of being pushed down. It came back hard.

Hard enough that when he was seventeen, his best friend Zayn had found him on his bathroom floor, pills scattered about and a bottle of alcohol clutched in his clammy hands mere moments before the blackness overtook. When he got out of the hospital, his mum had yelled at him and then cried. Though Louis really wasn't expecting much else from her. Zayn had made Louis promise to never even think about leaving them like that again, and asked Louis over and over again what he could to do help. The only thing Louis could think of at that moment was _out_.

So when Louis was eighteen, that's what he did. He got out. He booked himself and Zayn (who refused to let Louis leave without him) two one-way plane tickets to New York, ignored his mum's cries and got on the plane. They never looked back.

_Most nights Louis lies awake in his bed and wonders if he made the right choice. He's nowhere closer to his dream than he was back home, he sure as hell hasn't fallen in love, and if anything, he's even more unhappy here. He wishes he could be like everyone else -_ normal _\- but he knows he'll never be like them. He never has been and never will be._

 

**_._ 02 **  
 **_I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face._ **

The first time that Louis sees the boy is at a party his friend Niall throws. He knows that he'll never forget the moment that their eyes meet. Green and blue crashing like rain onto grass or some of that other shit. Louis has never been brilliant with words.

The boy is beautiful, _breathtaking_ even, Louis realizes as he struggles to find more oxygen. The tall boy with the too long legs and curly chocolate hair and eyes as green as emeralds smiles at him and Louis forces himself to file the memory away. He gives a tiny wave back and focuses on the music blaring through Niall's system.

" _I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face. I wanna get better, better, better, better. I didn't know I was broken 'till I wanted to change. I wanna get better, better, better_."

Louis sighs, sinking as far as he can into the cushion of the couch, letting the lyrics and funky beat swallow him in. If he has to remember a song for a certain moment in his life - _this_ moment, with the beautiful boy he'd never see again - well, it was a good song.

Zayn finds him soon after the song finishes and asks if Louis is ready to leave. He's beyond ready, didn't even want to  _come_ to the party, hence being dragged. Louis agrees and as usual, ignores making his rounds and just shrugs into his jacket, waiting by the door for Zayn.

They walk the two boys to the subway in silence. Zayn knows how Louis gets after parties, and Louis appreciates that he doesn't push. It's not until they're two stops away from theirs that Zayn speaks, his hand resting lightly on Louis' knee. "That wasn't too bad, yeah?"

Louis shrugs. "S'all right I guess."

"You good?" Zayn asks. It would be so easy for Louis to tell him _no_ , that he's not good. He hasn't been good for awhile, but. It's _Louis_ , so he lies. "Yeah, Zee. I'm good."

They sit in silence a little longer, until Zayn snaps his fingers and his eyes widen as he looks over to Louis. "Oh! I almost forgot to tell you!"

Louis quirks an eyebrow. "Tell me...?"

Zayn grins. "Liam said he's going to stop by for some FIFA tomorrow."

Louis frowns. "O...kay? Doesn't he usually come by for FIFA and drinks on Sundays?"

The train buzzes and it's finally their stop. They gather their things and Louis looks back at Zayn, still wondering why he was so excited about tomorrow. He gives a questioning arch of his eyebrow but the boy just grins.

 

**.03  
 _When your ups and downs, spin you round and round again. If you're dizzy now, and your world is caving in, I'll come to your rescue._**

The second time Louis sees the boy, he has a panic attack. Naturally.

Because like, Zayn didn't _warn_ him there would be people in his apartment. And when he tells this to Zayn, the boy just shrugs and says he _did_. Which. Liam. Technicalities. Still.

The green eyed boy is staring at him, in just his ratty old sweat pants, and his hair is a mess, and he's pretty sure he still has drool on his face. He can tell there's an attack coming once his palms start sweating, and then his arms get itchy. So he runs.

He locks himself in the bathroom and tries to even out his breathing. It's not the fact that the boy is here. No, of course not. Louis isn't that crazy. It's just. It's the fact _the boy is here_. And Louis wasn't fucking expecting it. Zayn _knows_ by now that he doesn't deal well with surprises. He fucking knows this. He knows that his anxiety is bad, even with the meds. He knows that - _fuck_. His meds. Of course he forgot to take his meds last night. Of. Course.

Counting to ten in his head, he tries to control his breathing, focuses on deep breaths and open fields. Once he's stable enough to function, he quickly unlocks the door and runs to his bedroom, in search of the damned pills he more or less can't live without. Literally.

In his bedroom, he nearly falls over. The boy is holding his pill bottle with a worried expression and walking quickly over to Louis. "Did you forget to take these?" The boy asks. And _fuck_. His voice.

Louis nods mutely, opening his hand when the boy shakes one out and offers it to Louis. The boy grabs a bottle of water sitting on the desk and hands that over too.

Once Louis has swallowed the pill, the boy grabs Louis' hand and leads him to his bed. Louis is still shaking, his hands clammy and his head pounding. The boy sits on the bed and pulls Louis onto his lap backwards, circling his arms around Louis' waist and pressing his chest to Louis' back. "Just listen to my heart, okay? Deep breaths in and out," He instructs, taking his own deep breaths. "It's okay, yeah? Just in and out, there you go. That's great, keep doing that."

Louis couldn't even explain what was going on if he wanted to. Still, he listened to the boy.

"Feeling any better?" The boy asks. Louis takes a shaky breath in and lets it out. _Actually_ , "A bit."

They continue like that for a few more silent moments until Louis pulls away and stands up, looking at his feet as he turns to face the boy. "Um, thanks, you know,"

He can see the boy shrug. "It's okay, my sister has panic attacks a lot."

Louis nods dumbly. "Yeah."

"I take it Zayn didn't tell you we were coming?"

At that, Louis frowns and looks up, meeting the boy's green eyes. Was it that obvious his stupid panic attack was because of him? "No."

The boy smiles sheepishly. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault." He shrugs.

"Still. I know how it is." "Yeah." Louis says again. Inside, his head is screaming _awkward, stupid, dumb, awkward._

"Anyways, I'm Harry." Louis looks up at the boy - Harry‑ and his gorgeous green eyes and his wide smile and _oh fuck_ , dimples.

" Louis."

After that morning, when Harry rescues Louis and promises to make breakfast to make up for the scare, they're pretty much inseparable. 

 

**.04**  
 _**And if I’m being honest, I can’t wait to get you home. But unlike all the others I won't jet the morning after, I won’t go dropping your heart on the floor.** _

After two months of nagging from the boys and Harry, Louis had finally agreed to a date with the younger boy. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to go, he did. It was just. Louis doesn't do _dates_. Not anymore. He does occasional hook ups, so people don't see how crazy he is. He meets boys in bars and goes to their place so Zayn doesn't worry. He gives fake names and goes clear to Jersey City, far enough away from Brooklyn that nobody would recognize him.Louis doesn't _do_ dates. He does occasional fucks that make him feel a million times worse about himself.

Still, he finds himself sitting inside _Parm_ , somewhere in Manhattan (honestly, Louis' lived in New York for four years and still doesn't know where the hell he is half the time) across from Harry, eating baked ziti while Harry eats his pork chop pizzaiola. _Absurdly_ , really. With his tongue sticking out, and making little moans around every bite. And Louis still doesn't know how he ended up here, but. Does he really know how he ends up anywhere anymore?

\--

"Have you ever been in love?"

Louis frowns, staring down into his mug. What a strange question for a first date. Then again, it's _Harry_ and he has always been a strange character. He goes over the question in his head, over and over again. _Had he_?

"I'd like to think so." He finally replies quietly, looking up and meeting Harry's eyes.

"You think so?" Harry raises an eyebrow.

Louis shakes his head, a small, sad smile on his lips. "I'd _like_ to think so."

Harry cocks his head to the side, his gaze steady and hard on Louis. The older boy is used to it, though. He's used to Harry's eyes on him over the past few months, even if he still wasn't comfortable with it. It was just how the curly haired boy is, he learned.

Louis blushes under his gaze, wringing his hands together nervously. "What?" He asks, his eyes finding his hands on his lap.

"I'm just trying to figure you out." Harry speaks, his soft voice calming to Louis' ears.

Louis sighs, not removing his eyes from his lap as he bites his lip. He picks at a loose thread on his jeans and choses his words carefully. He knows he doesn't have to explain himself to Harry if he doesn't want to. But maybe he sort of _does_ want to. It _is_ Harry after all. Harry, who has been such a good friend these past few months, understand with everything. Harry, who has been so sweet and never pushed. He hasn't really talked to anyone about anything, except for Zayn. But maybe he could let Harry in too.

"I mean, obviously I've loved people, right?" Harry nods so Louis continues, sucking in a large breath to gain some sort of confidence.

"And sure, people have _said_ they loved me. And maybe I thought that was enough, you know? Like, if you said it enough or heard it enough it was bound to be real, right?" He pauses, taking another deep breath. He can feel his heart rate pick up, his palms are sweaty, but he _has_ to do this. He has to tell Harry just how fucked up he is. That way he wouldn't be signing up for anything that he didn't want to. Louis is fucked up, everyone knows that. They just don't know how fucked up he was. "But I don't think it ever was." He continues. "People who love you don't cheat on you with your best friend- your _female_ best friend, yeah? They don't hold you when you fall asleep, then beat the shit out of you in the hall. They don't tell you that you're perfect then turn around and hand you a bottle of diet pills _"to help get all that fat off_." and make you feel like shit when you can't lose the fat. They don't leave you bleeding on the bathroom floor when it's all become too much, do they?"

Louis is full on bawling now, wiping his eyes madly to no avail. It had started now, there was no stopping the tears. His ears are ringing and his breathing is heavy. He knows he was close to another panic attack, but he can't stop. "Is _that_ love, Harry? Because if it is, I've been through it time and time again and I don't want to do it again. I _refuse_ to do that again."

Harry frowns, wiping away his own tears as he gets out of the booth and walks around to Louis, scooting close and wrapping the shaking boy into a tight hug. "No, Lou. That isn't love - not at all." His own voice is shaking, as Louis buries his head into the taller boy's chest.

Harry rubs his back, instructing Louis to _breath in and out, slower, yeah? Follow my heart beat. You're doing great, Lou. Just breath with me, love. We've done this before babe, just do what I do, okay? You're doing great._

\--

"What a great first date, eh?" Louis chuckles darkly once he can speak, clutching onto Harry's shirt. "Already scared you off."

Harry shakes his head quickly, kissing Louis' temple and pulling him closer. "Of course not, babe. Don't be silly. We've just got to show you the right way to be in love."

Louis frowns, wanting to ask, but not sure he wants the answer. "With you?"

Harry chuckles. "I sure as hell hope so." 

 

**.05  
 _See the flames inside my eyes, it burns so bright I wanna feel your love, no. Easy baby maybe I'm a liar, but for tonight I wanna fall in love._**

Louis knows now that agreeing to a night out with the boys was a Very Bad Idea. Because well. Right now he's a little drunk.

It had been Harry's idea originally, of course, to go to a club. And well, after five months of doing literally anything Harry asks, Louis had to agree. They had also drug Zayn, Liam and Niall along too, so.

So that's how Louis finds himself, drunks and sweaty, grinding against Harry in some club in West Village that he'd already forgotten the name of. The music switches from Katy Perry to Ke$ha and Harry's grip on Louis' hips tightens as he pulls the shorter boy closer.

"You good?" He asks as his lips brush Louis neck.

Louis nods as they move along to the music. He tries to force the thoughts out of his head and let go, but they won't stop - not with the added effect of the alcohol. All he hears in his head instead of Ke$ha singing about yelling timber is his doubts and insecurities. _Is his bum too big? Does Harry think he's disgusting? Did he forget to take his meds this morning? Will the alcohol fuck with the meds? What was he thinking coming out tonight?_

He just. He needs an escape. Yeah. He needs an escape and alcohol isn't working. He needs to forget about his thoughts and focus on something else entirely. He needs to be _enough_ for once in his pathetic life. He needs -

"Lou, you okay?" Harry asks urgently, spinning Louis around.

It's only then that Louis realizes that his breathing is erratic, his eyes wide. "Can we go home?" He asks quietly, staring at Harry's chest.

"Of course, babe. Let's go get the boys-"

"No, no. Without them. Just, like, us." He says in a whisper that Harry can hardly hear over the music.

Harry frowns. "You don't want Zayn?"

"No. Just you, Haz."

"Yeah, okay. My place or yours?"

"Yours is closer."

Harry's grip tightens on Louis' hand and he nods. "Let's go."

\--

They make it back to Harry's place in record time, and Louis still refuses to tell Harry what's wrong. What he _does_ do though, is kiss him senseless.

Somehow, they end up on Harry's bed, Louis straddling Harry and his hands trailing down the younger boy's chest yet again. Harry sighs and moves his hands back up once they reach his waistband, flipping them over so Harry's on top.

Louis frowns, reaching for Harry's waistband again. "I'm good at this, I promise."

Harry chuckles, and flips them back over, pulling Louis onto his chest and grabbing Louis' hand again and holding it to his chest, pressing a kiss to Louis' forehead. "There's not a doubt in my mind about that, baby. But it can wait."

Louis pouts, his blue eyes flickering with self-doubt so quickly that Harry would have missed if if he hadn't known what to look for. Lucky for him, he did. "Hey, now. None of that, Lou." He protests, grabbing Louis' chin gently when the older boy looks away.

"It's okay, Haz. I get it. You don't want me. I don't blame you." His voice is rough and his bottom lip is quivering, causing Harry to sigh and pull him into his lap.

"Louis." He says gently. Louis still won't look at him. " _Lou_." He tries again, this time a little more demanding.

"What?" Louis asks in the most pitiful voice Harry had ever heard.

Harry gives him a small smile. "You know that's the furthest thing from the truth."

Louis sighs, tugging at one of Harry's curls, causing the younger boy to grin. "We've been skirting for _five months_ , Haz. And the only thing you've let me do is kiss you. _Three_ times."

Harry grins. "I'm well aware."

"But why?" Louis bites his lip. "I thought you might want me."

Harry rolls his eyes fondly. "Of course I want you, you idiot."

"Then what is it?" He sighs, pulling Louis closer and letting him tuck him head underneath Harry's chin.

"I just don't want to rush anything, baby. I want you to be ready."

"I _am_ ready." Louis argues quietly.

Harry shakes his head. "I know what you're doing, Lou. And you don't have to."

"What am I doing?"

"You're trying to prove yourself."

Louis is silent. His arms tighten around Harry's waist slightly and that's his only indication that Louis had heard him.

"And you don't have to." Harry finishes quietly, his hand rubbing up and down Louis' spine gently. "Not with me. I already love you."

Louis' breath hitches and he pulls out of Harry's arms, eyes wide. They're not even together. They've only kissed three times. They haven't had sex yet. They're just _friends_. Best friends, but still.

"You don't have to say it back. I know. It's hard. I just." Harry fumbles over his words. "I'm sorry."

Louis shakes his head softly. "No. No, it's okay. Just. Give me time, yeah?"

Harry nods, his lips turning up into a soft smile. "Of course. Give us time, yeah?"

Louis frowns before nodding, and settling into Harry's arms again. "Yeah, okay."

"You never did tell me what happened tonight, Lou." Louis tenses and Harry sighs. "Sleep now, yeah? Just sleep it off. We'll talk in the morning."

Louis doesn't answer, but he snuggles back into Harry's side.

They don't talk in the morning.

 

**.06  
 _I hope I see you soon, because you're fond of me and I am fond of you. These days I guess that's all it takes, that and just a few mistakes. And I have made mistakes._**

They don't talk about it because when Harry wakes up the next morning, Louis is gone.

There's a simple post it stuck to the nightstand where Louis' contact case sat the night before, and only a few words scrawled in Louis' messy handwriting.

_Listen to this: Brooklyn - Wakey! Wakey!_   
_I'm sorry._

And since Harry always does what Louis asks, he listens to the song. And he cries. And then he cries some more.

He knew he fucked up last night when he told Louis he loved him, he knew Louis wasn't ready. But still, he did it. And now Louis is gone. He ran and Harry really doubts he'll ever see the broken, blue eyed boy smile at him again.

 

**.07**  
 _**Oh when I cut you off, it was something that I had to do. You can try to push it down, but it’s always going to follow you.** _

Two weeks since Louis had seen Harry. He lied to Zayn and said that he had mono, to keep everyone out. Especially Harry.

And he's still not sure if he made the right choice. With any of it.

Like, Harry said he loved him. But, how can _anyone_ love Louis?

His 'boyfriends' sure as hell didn't love him. His 'friends' didn't love him. His own fucking father didn't love him enough to even _stay alive_.

He stares at the only photo he has of his father, sitting on top of his dresser, on a completely opposite side of the photos of his mum and the girls. Louis on his dad's shoulders at a football game, Louis' eyes bright and his smile wide. And his dad... well. His dad's eyes were wide and dead, his smile stiff and forced. Louis should have _realized_ , seen it coming. And stopped it. Or done something.

It bothers him more than he cares to admit, really. His father's sucide, that is. It was like he took the easy way out, instead of dealing with the demons inside. Not only did he leave Louis, who needed him more than anything at that time in his life - but he left Louis' mum and the girls. He was a fucking _coward_.

He can't really say anything though, because like. He tried to take the coward's way out too. A few times, some even that nobody else knows about.

And _yeah_ , maybe he hates himself a little bit, but he feels like right now, it maybe couldn't hurt much to try it again. Just a few pills, just a few bottles of liquor.

He doesn't even really realize his own body is moving, he doesn't realize that he's already gotten into the liquor cabinet and gone back to his bedroom. He doesn't realize that his head is a mess of _DadDadDad_ and _HarryHarryHarry_ and _FailureFailureFailure_.  He doesn't realize that the demons are over taking him again. He doesn't realize that there's a pounding on the door, or that Harry is screaming his name. He doesn't realize that the door is being broken and an ambulence is being called.

He doesn't even realize when the doctors revive him, bring him back to life.

Because like, is there even a difference anymore?

 

**.08  
Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent by the telephone, that never rang. And all I needed was a call that never came. **

Since this time it was bad enough to land him in the hospital, everyone knows.

And by everyone, that means his _mum_. Who he hasn't spoken to in _four years_. Louis is stuck in the hospital for two weeks on Suicide Watch when his mum arrives. Nobody told Louis she was coming.

He ignores his mum's cries at his side and glares at Zayn from across the room, who holds his hands up in surrender. "I didn't call her, Lou."

Louis frowns, glaring around the room. If it wasn't Zayn, and Liam and Niall didn't even know his mum, then it had to be...

" _Harry_." Louis snaps, his eyes falling on the younger boy for the first time in a month. "What the fuck did you do."

Harry's mouth presses into a tight line and he shrugs. "I did what you should have done a long time ago, Lou." And with that, he's out the door.

Louis glares at his retreating back, tears welling in his eyes. How _dare_ Harry think he _knows_ what Louis needs? How fucking _dare_ he? How dare he go behind Louis' back and call him fucking mum across the world?

"Boobear, please talk to me." His mum's voice makes his heart ache and he sighs, watching with teary eyes as his friends leave the room and shut the door (much quieter than Harry, mind you) behind them.

He finally turns to his mum and closes his eyes. "You never called."

\--

His mum stays with him for a week in the hospital, and then another week back at his apartment. By the time they had arrived, Liam and Zayn had already cleared the house of all alcohol, taken his pills ("We'll give you the ones you need, Lou.") and cleaned his room.

He doesn't talk to Harry while his mum is in town, instead takes his mum around the city, showing him all the places he fell in love with. Because for Louis, like, it's easier to fall in love with _things_ and _places_ rather than people. Because things and places won't hurt you, they won't stab you in the back and they won't let you down. They're just... _there_. And that's the beauty in it.

He takes his mum to the Empire State Building. Once in the morning, once at noon, and once at midnight. To appreciate the full beauty.

He takes her to Times Square, and to see a Broadway show, at her request (that only hurts Louis a lot, but like, it's fine.) and they go to M&M World (his mum loves M&M's). He takes her to his favorite bar in Brooklyn. He takes her to go see the animals at the zoo. He takes her to Long Island. They get a yellow taxi. They get hot dogs from a street vendor. They go see the Statue Of Liberty and the World Trade Center. They do all the touristy things and even fit in time for grocery shopping and a movie.

They don't really speak of the big elephant in the room until her last day, when they're walking through Central Park. And like, Louis _knows_ it's coming. He _knows_ his mum is going to tell him that the reason she never called was because he wasn't _enough_. He was a failure, and a little shit and _unfixable_.

"I got married." She starts conversationally.

And like. _What_. Out of all the things Louis was expecting, that was honestly the last thing. "When?" He asks, stuffing his hands into his pocket.

"About five months after you left."

Louis just nods and listens as his mum tells him about Dan, and the girls and their nice, cozy life and big house and _happiness_. He listens until he can't take it anymore.

"Mum," He cuts her off as she's in the middle of explaining how Dan is getting them into charity work. " Mum, just please."

"What is it, boo?" She asks, her eyes wide and worried.

"Why didn't you ever call?" He starts, stopping under a tree and sitting down, pulling his knees to his chest. "Like, when did you _stop caring_?"

"Oh _Louis_. Honey, I never stopped caring."

"Then what was it?"

"I just," She sighs, sitting beside him. "I thought maybe the reason you were so sad at home was because of me, the same as your father."

"But mum, it wasn't because of you, I mean, he had-"

She nods. "I know honey, he had some things wrong with him."

"Just like me." Louis frowns.

She grimaces, but doesn't deny it, Louis notes. "I just thought that you needed space, and that you'd call when you were ready. I thought maybe you were happier here. You were so excited to come to the city, to go to _NYU_. Baby, your dreams were all you ever needed."

 

"I never went to _NYU_." He admits.

She nods. "I know. Harry told me."

Louis wasn't even going to ask _when_ or _why_ she spoke to Harry. "I should have."

She nods again. "You still could."

Louis just shrugs. And then they're silent.

His mind is on a loop of _FailureFailureFailure, WorthlessWorthlessWorthless, NotEnoughNotEnoughNotEnough_ again.

  
The tears are prickling behind Louis' eyes now, and his face feels flush. "I _waited_ for you to call, mum. I just. For _four_ fucking _years_. I thought maybe like, I wasn't enough, you know? Like I wasn't enough to make _dad_ stay, I wasn't _enough_ to make you love me, I just, I'm _never_ enough." He sobs, nails digging into the palms of his hands so much that he's pretty sure draws blood, but he doesn't really care. "I really thought you didn't want me anymore."

"Oh boo, of course not. You know that I love you more than my life. Your my first born, baby. I'll always love you."

"I'm sorry." Louis whispers.

She wipes away his tears and pulls him into her side. "For what?"

"For being such a fuck up. For being just like my father."

"Baby, you will _never_ be like your father. You know why?"

Louis shakes his head.

"You're a fighter." She whispers.

"But I-"

"But you get weak sometimes. I know. Louis, that's _okay_. Everyone does. But you're still fighting, you know."

"I just really missed you, mum."

"I missed you too, Lou. And I love you."

"Love you too."

\--

When Louis sees his mum off at the airport the next day, promising to try to get into NYU and keep up on his therapy and call if he needs _anything_ \-  he feels better than he has since he could remember.

 

 

**.09**  
 _**I know you wanna stay in bed but it’s light outside. So know I'm gonna stay right here, you saved my life once.** _

"You need to talk to him, Louis."

Louis nods. "I will. Just give me some time, yeah?"

Zayn sighs but agrees, passing the joint over to Louis. "He's really not doing too well."

Louis takes a hit and holds it, blowing it out before taking another hit and passing it back. "What's the matter?"

Zayn nearly drops the joint. " _What's the_? Jesus fuck, Louis."

Louis' eyes widen. "What!?"

"What's the matter?" Zayn nearly yells, standing up and tugging at his hair. "What's the _fucking matter_ is that Harry - the boy that's _fucking in love with you,_ by the way - picked your lifeless body off the _fucking floor_. After you tried to kill yourself."

"Oh." Louis frowns. He thought he had seen Harry that night. "Well."

"Well what, Louis? Do you not _remember_ how much that fucked _me_ up? When it was me picking you up and rushing you to the hospital? Do you not fucking remember that?"

Louis bites his cheek to stop from crying. "Of course I remember that, Zayn."

"Just think - _I_ wasn't even in love with you. _Harry_ fucking _is_. And, just. _Fucking imagine_ , Louis. You going into Harry's room wanting to apologize - which I _still_ say is _bullshit_ , he should _not_ have to apologize for _loving_ you, _Jesus Christ_ , that's fucked up - and seeing him laying in his own vomit, his pulse dead and his eyes empty. _Fucking imagine_ that, Louis."

And with that, Louis is already out the door, pulling his jacket against his chest as he runs to the nearest subway that will take him to Manhattan.

\--

"Harry!" Louis yells, banging on the door to his apartment. "Harry, let me in right fucking now! Please!"

There's no response, so Louis bangs louder. "Please, Harry! Open the fucking door!"

He stops when he hears movement, and then Harry's opening the door, eyes wide and looking a mess. "Louis, are you okay? What's wrong? What's happening?"

Louis just shakes his head and flings himself into Harry's open arms, crushing the younger boy to him. "I'm so sorry." He sobs, clutching Harry's wrinkled tee shirt. "Sorry, sorry, so fucking sorry, Harry. _I'm sorry, never again, I promise. I'm sorry._ I love you, _I love you_ , I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck up. _Fuck_ , I'm _sorry_."

Harry just sighs and pulls Louis into his arms, pushing the door shut behind them. Louis wraps his legs around Harry's waist and lets them be pulled into Harry's bedroom, soaking Harry's tee shirt with his tears and snot. Neither of them mind all that much though.

\--

Somehow, between Louis crying and Louis apologizing, it turns into Harry crying and apologizing.

"I shouldn't have said I loved you."

"Because you don't." Louis nods. He'd already accepted it, so it really doesn't come as a surprise.

"What? _Fuck_ , no, Louis. I _do_. I just knew that you weren't ready."

"Oh." Louis gives a half smile. "That's good. Because I love you too."

Harry chuckles and presses a kiss to Louis' forehead. "Really? I wouldn't have known after the two hundred times you've told me since you got here."

Louis shrugs and leans into Harry's side. "So we're done apoligizing, right? What's done is done, we've learned from it, we're good?"

Harry sighs. "Yeah, Lou. We're good."

"Still love me?"

Harry rolls his eyes and pinches Louis' leg. "Someone's cheeky today."

"Hey!" Louis chuckles. "You're _American_ , don't go using my slang!"

Harry raises an eyebrow. "Isn't that universal?"

"Fuck if I know." Louis sighs happily, cuddling into Harry. "Tell me about you, Haz. I feel like we only ever talk about my shit."

"What do you wanna know?"

And so, Louis learns a lot that day. He learns that Harry is maybe just a messed up as he is, only he hides it a lot better, and it hasn't destroyed him yet.

"Me and my sister - Gemma. We've never really been close, yeah? After my parents split we sort did too, I guess. She took dad's side, they fucked off to California and I stayed with my mom in Manhattan. I tried, you know, to make it work. But it was obvious as long as he had Gem, he didn't really need me. Or want me. So I guess after a time I just. Stopped trying." Harry pauses, his eyebrows scrunched together and a deep frown set on his face. "He had Gemma," He continues, staring at his feet. "The perfect daughter he always wanted. Smart. Strong minded but not opiniated. We were good, you know, until I started voicing my opinions, standing up for what I believe in. Holding my own in arguments. I wasn't what he wanted - what he could make me be, I guess. I _get_ that. And I never will be."

Louis sighs, reaching over and grabbing Harry's hand in both of his, rubbing soothing circles into his knuckle.

"But Lou. Do you understand what it feels like to look at your dad one day - after _years_ of having him be proud, of loving you and wanting you - just to look at him one day and be like, _huh_ when did that change? To look at him watching your sister with so much pride and adoration and then when he looks at you it's almost... _pity_? To know that he really doesn't care? Like. Not really. I mean, sure, he  _cares_. Like if I were to die tomorrow or fuck up majorly. But I'll never be Gemma. I'll never be part of his life like Gems is. So I just stopped caring at one point. And I don't know whose fault that is anymore. And that's the worst part, I think. Not knowing. Was it _me_ or _him_ that stopped caring first? And does it make me a horrible person that some days I couldn't care less - I've got mom, and you, the boys and my city. But then some days it's just like _oh_ , he _doesn't_ love me. He _doesn't_ care. And I'm trying to figure out if that's a bad thing or not."

Louis smiles sadly, wrapping his arms around the bigger boy. "It's okay, H. You know. To feel like that. It's not your fault. Not at all."

Harry sighs, nuzzling into Louis' arms. "Yeah, I know. Just sucks, you know?"

"I know." Louis smiles tightly, nodding his head slowly. "Yeah, I know." Because _yeah_ , Louis knows what it's like for your father to not love you. To do everything they can to get away. Harry doesn't know that he knows though. The only people that know about his dad is his mum and Zayn. But Louis knows, he _remembers_. He remembers how it happened, walking into the bathroom one day after school and seeing his dad laying on the floor, surrounded with pills and alcohol. He remembers how that changed him. He's just so fucking grateful shitty parents didn't change Harry too.

"I love you." Louis tells Harry for the three hundredth time that night. "You're so strong, Hazza, so strong and caring and fucking wonderful. I really don't deserve you."

Harry smiles, hugging Louis close. "I love you so fucking much, Louis."

 

 

**.10  
 _I couldn't tell if anyone here was feeling the way I do, but I'm lonely now, and I don't know how to get it back to good._**

Things are good. Until they're not. Things are good for exactly one hundred and twenty days. Four months.

The day things go to shit, is coincidentally, Harry's birthday.

Also, this time, it's not _Louis_ that fucks up. It's Harry.

Everyone had noticed it, of course, but nobody thought it was a problem. Until it was.

"You got _kicked out_ of _Columbia_!?" Liam yells.

"I didn't even know you _went_ to Columbia, bro." Niall raises an eyebrow.

Louis just frowns. "What happened?"

Harry sighs. "I guess they expect you to show up for class more than once a week. And they _prefer_ for you to do it sober."

"What." That's pretty much all Louis can say, so he says it again. "What."

Harry shrugs. "I don't know."

"What happened to you, man?" Zayn asks, squeezing his shoulder.

"I don't know." Harry replies again, staring at the wall. He doesn't _fucking know anymore._

\--

They had tried to get Harry back in. Used his grades - which were _stellar_ , until they _weren't_ \- to their advantage, to no avail.

"I'm sorry, babe. There was nothing we could do." Louis grimaces, plopping onto the couch next to Harry.

Harry shrugs. "'S fine Lou, didn't like it there anyways."

"Harry."

Harry shakes his head. "No, Lou. Really, it's fine. Columbia really wasn't for me."

"Are you sure? Can we call someone?"

Harry laughs humorlessly. "The only person that could fix it would be my dad, so. No."

"I'm sorry, babe."

The younger boy just shrugs. "It's fine."

"I love you."

"Yeah, you too."

 

**.11**  
 _**Can't you see, it's not me you're dying for? Now he's feeling more alone than he ever has before. He's a brick and I'm drowning slowly, off the coast and I'm headed nowhere.** _

Harry stays the same for weeks. He doesn't care about anything really. He still hangs out with the guys when they asked, he still stays over at Louis' place four days a week, he still drinks himself sick every night. Nothing really changes.

Except something does.

"Harry, why aren't you answering your mum's calls?"

"What?" Harry asks, snapping his eyes from the TV which is playing some stupid reality show the younger boy had been engrossed in for a week.

"You mum just called me and told me to tell you to call her. She sounded a mess, said it was urgent." He explains walking out of the kitchen.

"Humph."

" _Harry_." Louis snaps. "Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Why are you ignoring everyone?"

"I'm not ignoring _everyone_ , Louis!" Harry blows up, standing up and glaring at Louis. "I'm still fucking _here_ , with _you_ , aren't I!?"

"What is your fucking problem right now, Harry."

"Did you ever think maybe it's _you_ , Louis? Did you ever think maybe I can't _fucking take it_?"

"Take _what_ , Harry!?" Louis yells.

" _You! This_!"

"If you don't fucking like it, just fucking _leave_ then!"

"Fine!"

" _Fine_!"

And yeah. Harry leaves.

\--

Louis knows it's his fault. He knew he'd end up ruining Harry too. He ruins everyone. He just didn't think it would come so soon.

Love is a lot like drowning, Louis thinks. And whoever you love, you drag to the bottom with you.

**.12  
 _You told me you were good at running away. Domestic life, it never suited you like a suitcase. You left with just the clothes on your back, you took the rest when you took the map. Yes, there are times we live for somebody else, your father died and you decided to live._**

Two days after Harry storms out, Louis goes to his apartment to apologize and try to fix it, only to find _Zayn_ there.

"Where's Harry?" Louis questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Harry's in California, Lou."

"What?"

"He's in California."

"Why?"

Zayn frowns. "He didn't tell you?"

Louis just shakes his head.

"Maybe you should call him, babe."

\--

So Louis calls Harry. And Harry doesn't pick up. So he calls Ed, Harry's best friend. _Luckily_ , Ed picks up.

"Why is Harry in California?" Is, naturally, the first thing Louis asks.

"He didn't tell you?"

Louis groans. "Fuck, _no_. Everyone keeps asking me that, but _no_ , he hasn't told me _anything_!"

"It's his dad, Louis."

\--

Louis cries. He cries a lot as Ed tells him the story. He tells Louis that his dad found out about the tumor in December, and the doctors gave him ten months since it was caught so late. Des though, didn't get ten months. He got to live up until three weeks ago. Anne had flown out in January to be with him and Gemma, and they had begged Harry to come. He'd said no because he needed to be here for Louis. Harry missed his own dad's funeral. For Louis. Louis cries. He cries a lot. For Harry. For Des. For Gemma and Anne and Harry again. Because he knows what it's like to lose a father sooner than expected.

And yeah, maybe he cries for himself a bit too.

But mostly for Harry.

 

**.13  
** _**Cause I know the city only breaks you down and it gets you lonely.** _

When Harry returns, he refuses to talk about it. He apologizes to Louis to snapping at him, promising that it's _not_ Louis, he's _not_ suffocating and that it will _never_ be too much. Louis accepts and tells Harry a million times that he loves him and he's proud of him. And that's that for the most part.

There are nights though, when one of them will sneak out of the apartment and walk around the city, lost in their own thoughts.

For Harry, he walks around and remembers all the things he used to do with his father, all the places he had loved as a boy, and all the memories he'd made in the city. Then he thinks of Louis and their life and heads back home to love his boy some more.

For Louis, _well_. He walks around and tries to convince himself he's heading in the right direction. Trying to be enough. He'd applied - _and_ gotten in - to NYU for their drama course, and was set to start spring semester. He'd been seeing a new therapist, to try to work out his head, and it seemed to be working well enough. They'd switched his meds and made him keep a journal and he was doing better. He thinks the only reason he even tried this hard was for Harry. And then when he thinks of Harry, that's about the time he heads home to his boy.

 

**.14  
 _But under the surface we're all just the same, follow me darling, for you I'll be brave._**

It takes four months for Harry to break down. And when he does, Louis holds him and listens and promises that it will get better. It _does_ , and _damn it_ , he's _living proof_. All it takes is love and determination and more love.

And it does get better.

They get Harry back into therapy (he admits that he was in therapy, until Louis' suicide attempt) and they have a ritual now where every night before bed, they get things off their minds. Whether they're talking to each other, or just the wall - they're talking about it.

They tell the boys about what's going on with both of them, and they all help as much as they can.

Harry enrolls into NYU for a few journalism courses, joining Louis in the spring.

Louis gets a part time job as a bartender. Harry gets a part time job at Starbucks.

And it helps.

 

It gets better.

They're borrowed each other's hearts, and even though they didn't return them, they shared them.

Neither of them are perfect, but they're getting pretty damn close to good.

 

**.15  
 _So maybe tonight we'll start all over, like its the first day of our lives. Right here an now, no second chances. Maybe we'll finally get it right, maybe tonight._**

Niall throws them a party for their one year anniversary ( _one year!_ ). Louis and Harry sip on their mocktails since alcohol messes with their meds, while everyone else gets shitfaced. The two of them have a blast pointing out and laughing at their drunk friends, standing on tables, singing Katy Perry at the top of their lungs.

Louis grins when he spots Ed and waves him over, enveloping the ginger into a tight hug. "So glad you came, man!"

Ed laughs and hugs Louis back before hugging Harry. "So am I, can't believe you crazy fools lasted this long, eh?"

A smack to the head shuts Ed up and they all look to the person to thank and smile when they see her.

"Hey, Gemma!" Louis smiles, pulling her into a hug.

"Hi, Lou."

"Thanks for coming, Gems." Harry smiles softly.

Gemma rolls her eyes. "Please. Like I'd miss a party with free booze?"

" _Hey_." Harry frowns. "You get to see me, too."

Gemma smirks. "I was actually more excited to see _Lou_ , but. I _guess_ it's cool seeing you too." And with that, she walks back into the crowd, leaving Ed, Louis and Harry chuckling.

"Gotta love her, man." Ed grins.

Harry pouts. "Why do you always stick up for her?"

Ed just shrugs and waves as he walks away.

Harry rolls his eyes and turns to Louis. "So? A year, huh?"

Louis smiles, leaning into Harry's side as they watch their friends and family. Harry's arm wraps around his waist and he squeezes. "A year."

"And to think a year ago-"

"I wasn't even sure if I'd be alive?" Louis chuckles. It was true. A year ago, he wasn't all that optimistic he'd still be around three hundred and sixty five days from then. They'd really done a complete one eighty - _both_ of them.

Harry grimaces. "Well."

"Let's do something tonight, yeah?"

"Like what?" Harry raises an eyebrow.

"Lets... start over."

"Wait. Like. What do you mean?"

Louis laughs. "All of our troubles, Haz. I mean, sure, we made it, but this past year has been tough shit, yeah?"

"Well."

Louis winks. "It has. So. Let's start over, clean the slate on all the bad shit, and promise only good things from now on."

Harry rolls his eyes and then kisses Louis. "I think we can do that."

"Tonight?"

"Tonight." Harry promises, holding his boy tight.

 

**.16**  
 _**So, don’t you worry, you'll be my resolution.** _

Sometimes they have their bad days.

But then again, everyone does.

Every time Harry wants to pick up a bottle of alcohol, he thinks of Louis.

Every time Louis wants to pick up a bottle of alcohol and a handful of his pills, he thinks of Harry.

Every time Louis breaks down in tears, Harry is there.

Every time Harry becomes too numb, Louis is there.

Every time Harry wants to give up, Louis doesn't let him.

Every time Louis wants to give up, Harry doesn't let him.

Every time Louis is sad, Harry takes him home and kisses him until he forgets what he's sad about.

Every time Harry is sad, well. Louis takes him home and makes him forget his own name.

 

**.17 All the things that you are, beautifully broken, alive in my heart. And know that you are everything. Let your heart sing and tonight we'll light up the stars.**

It's been five years, and Harry and Louis are still together.

They're strong, and content and God damn it, they're _happy_.

Louis had switched from a drama major to a business major at last minute, and graduated at number three in his class. Harry cried.

Harry got a job working for The New York Times. Louis cried and then demanded Harry write a full page expose on his ass.

Louis and Harry had opened a coffee shop in Brooklyn, that the boys helped out with.

Gemma moved back to Manhattan, and is now the best fucking psychologist in the state.

Jay and the girls visit at least once a year, and she quickly took to Anne - the two being damn near inseparable.

Harry and Louis stayed in therapy.

Harry hasn't drank in five years.

Louis hasn't even _thought_ of suicide in four years.

They're still broken.

They'll never be completely whole, but what one lacks, that's what the other lends.

And it _works_.

It works so well they got married on their four year anniversary and were currently on the way to the hospital to meet their first daughter.

Sometimes the things that are broken are the most beautiful, and something things that are broken are not really all they seem.

And just maybe two broken pieces of a puzzle can make a whole.

 

* * *

 

[Tumblr ](http://hewantstomarryharry.tumblr.com)// [Twitter](twitter.com/brookevalerio)

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Parm NYC](http://parmnyc.com/)   
> [Manhattan Monster](http://http://manhattan-monster.com//)


End file.
